


Harry Potter and Soulmates

by Kitty_Shinju (Queen_Kit)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-05
Updated: 2008-08-05
Packaged: 2019-11-08 21:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17988899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Kit/pseuds/Kitty_Shinju
Summary: **Hermione & Ron only a minor mentionHarry's life takes a surprise twist when he starts to wonder about soul mates.Originally Posted To FFN & Saved from my impending account deletion





	Harry Potter and Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Characters from Harry Potter do not belong to me.

**Harry was sitting idly in Potions lost in thoughts about soul mates. Snape appeared to be asleep on his desk. Then he heard something…**

_**Severus** _ _'HARRY HARRY NO! As much as you may have heard from Sirius that I like that I don't! GET AWAY FROM ME NOW YOU PEVERVERT! NO NOT THAT!'_

**(Harry)**  Se-I mean Snape? What in the hell?

' _POTTER! WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING RIGHT THEN! THAT WAS WRONG!'_

Um sir I'm not even talking… I thought thoughts were private.

' _NO LIES POTTER! 10 POINTS FROM GRYFFENDOR!'_

BUT I'm not lying.

' _Oh bloody hell.'_

Oh no!

' _This can mean only one thing.'_

We're soul mates.  **(thought Harry horrified)**

' _BUT I'M NOT GAY!'_

Bet you ten bucks you are.

' _NO BETS in class Potter'_

What? It's not like I can get in trouble. No one else can hear this.

' _DAMN.'_

So Ummmm, Sev…

' _That's PROFESSOR SNAPE to you.'_

Yeah… umm I think we might have to love each other now.

' _NO WAY IN HELL.'_

Damn….

' _Language Potter.'_

* * *

**(Harry writes a letter to Lucius)**

"Hi… um this is Harry."

_**LM What the hell? What is he doing writing to me?** _

"I kind of found my soul mate and I need um … this person to shag me so I can have the power Voldie knows not."

_**Why the hell would he want romantic help from me?** _

"Well… err… can't really avoid this but it's Snape… and he can hear what I think."  
 _"'Bloody right I can. I thought thoughts were private…'"  
_ "Yeah… he's not thrilled either so…"  
 _"'Damn, damn, damn, damn. When the hell did we got onto a soap opera.'"_  
"The moment someone conceived this bloody idea now shush."

_**That does sound like Sev… oh holy… I've gotta tell Voldemort…** _

* * *

_**(Harry)**_ __  
Damn… Lucius won't help… he got a letter from Voldie… and now Lucius is a soul mate to….  
I am officially "the boy-who-couldn't-get-shagged-by-his-soul-mate(s)-even-if-he-wanted-it."

' _Damn right you are.'  
_ _ **HELL YEAH! ... Voldie did seem upset though…**_

I know you said that before.

_**Oh well did I say that he wouldn't kill you yet?** _

No you didn't.

_**Oh well he's decided to let you live until your soul mate err soul mates love you… at which time all will promptly be killed.** _

Damn, Knew there was a catch.

' _Can't we just find out who invented fate and kill them?'_

I tried Sev. They didn't fill out the proper copyright forms and therefore they left no name, address, or lineage registry.

' _Damn.'  
_ _ **Damn… Voldie is pissed.**_

What did he want to be my soul mate too?

**Voldemort: WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! I WANTED POTTER!**

Damn… Jinxed it.

**IS THAT POTTER?**

Yes.

' _Yes.'  
_ __ **Yes.  
** **YAY! I get some of the hot Potter action now!**

OH HELL NO! I'm getting a divorce right now!

' _But you never even married us yet.'  
_ **I WANNA BE MARRIED FIRST.  
** __ **The ministry would think you are insane.**

True… I can see myself walking up to the desk.

"Hello. I'm Harry Potter. I haven't even married them yet but I'd like to divorce from my soul mates."  
"Yes that's right soul mates with an S… The plural…"  
"I don't know how many… maybe five or seventeen?"  
"Ok I'll list… Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Lord Voldemort… yes that's what I said Voldemort, Draco Malfoy, Ronald Weasley, and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team…, and the Weasley family, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Tonks, Minerva McGonagall…. Need I go on…?"  
"Fine… All death eaters, Hogwarts staff, and Gryffindor house."  
"Are you satisfied now?"

**(A clamor of voices is heard. Severus, Lucius, and Voldemort laugh.)**

Damn jinxed again. MY LIFE IS A BLOODY SOAP OPERA.

' _Yes it is.'  
_ **No it isn't.  
** __ **Why not?  
** Evil laughter  
 **Because it's worse so much worse.**  
More evil laughter

Hermione: Harry what is going on?

**Ron: Yeah what is it mate?**

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This was going to follow common events in soap operas... And be more than a one shot at one point, but the plunnie ran away before that could happen. Possible chapters were "Surprise I'm Pregnant" and "The day that lasted a week"  
> Hope you enjoyed this!


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